Drunk Writer Series, Volume 1: The Key

Prompt: The apocalypse is about to happen, but the key to preventing it is somewhere in Tallahassee. You are the hero. What’s the key and can you stop the end of the world?

The apocalypse of Tallahassee, Florida. I used to think this city looked like shit. Looks a whole lot better now. I emerge from the remains of the Capitol Building – Tallahassee’s cement penis has been reduced to an inferno – a state landmark de-erected. I’m here to save the world – all I need to do is find the key. I know exactly where to seek advice.

I come to the throne of Emperor Rick Scott. After the apocalypse struck, we all knew who could lead us – Florida’s Voldemort, the Dark Lord of the Sunshine State. He sits elegant on his throne. He doesn’t need a crown, because his bald head is shiny enough. I bow down to my master. He is merciful enough to give me counsel. 

“My majesty,” I beseech. “Thank you for being so gracious to hear me.”

“Silence, fool,” he speaks in his velvety chocolate drone. “Whateth do you cometh to me to asketh ofeth?” 

“I wish to enquire about the key, my Lord.” I swallow – all of humanity rests on how I phrase this question, the future of man’s endeavor, rests on my words. A bead of sweat runs down my brow – I continue: “I seek the key. To save the world. If you would bless my, my God, with the answer of its location.”

Emperor Scott looks down at his perfectly manicured fingernails. “Hmhmm. I do know the location of the key. But it is a great task to achieve it. Are you ready to accept the challenge?”

A single tear rolls down my cheek. “Emperor Scott. I am ready. I AM ready.”

Rick Scott puckers his lips. “The key to save humanity…”

… I’m caught in rapture, ready for knowledge, a plebeian knelt before a king, blessed with wisdom …

He speaks: “It’s in my asshole.”

I stare at him in wonder. 

“It’s really deep in my asshole. So deep that even I cannot reach. Only the One can reach it.”

My lip quivers. “My master. Am I the one?”

Emperor Scott bites his lip. “There’s only one way to find out.”

I reach out with a sweaty palm – one hand, divinely graced – and wiggle into Rick Scott’s anus – a vortex appears. A purple tunnel emerges before me. Orange and teal swirls around my mind. I see the light. Am I the one? I am the one. And before me – from a cloud of green smoke – the Key. I know the Key. The key – it is me. I am the key. Deep in Rick Scott’s rectum, I become Revelation. The Savior of Humanity. 

Then – all is silent – the world begins and ends here. To know the key – is to know the universe. And to know the universe is to begin again. The dawn of man. The Big Bang. Everything before, and after. Singular, all in one, beginning and ending at the same point: Rick Scott’s asshole. A new beginning – an old ending – and silence.

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