To my Dearest Pawn Mr. Drumpf,
I hear you’ve been in the news lately and I just wanted to say, so what? Big deal. You really are a lump of orange flesh who takes up too much time and space, you know it, I know it, everybody knows it. They’re just too polite for some reason to tell you how detrimental you are to this thing they got going called: “modern society”. Now I know that’s a big word for you, so I’ll try not to use too many of those from here on out.
I want you to remember I’m on your side Donny boy, I just want you to bring about the end times. But we gotta get you elected before civilization starts to crumble. In order to do that you just have to say a little less obviously ignorant things. You understand don’t ya?
Well, Trumpykins, it feels like you haven’t been listening to me recently and instead you got every SJW with a Tumblr account and some form of anxiety praying to God for the first time that you won’t get elected. Because this time you decided to downplay those juicy locker room comments, that were oh so lewd and disrespectful towards women. The last thing they wanted to hear from you is that you got away with sexually assaulting women throughout your reign as self-proclaimed king of adult toddlers.
You do realize that you could have actually admitted that what you said on those “locker room” tapes was regrettable and explain how you aren’t that person, right? But I guess that would entail that you are capable of realizing you can do any wrong, so I gotta level with you. I can’t get you off the hook like I did with those teen beauty pageant girls, no one is grilling you about that anymore (you’re welcome). Of course that was back in the day, when I could keep things from making headlines. Could say it’s been one Hell of a job getting you as far as I have, but this isn’t 1997 and the dressing rooms of Miss Teen U.S.A. You’re in the spotlight now and I can’t cover for you anymore, so I just want to let you know, I’m with you 100%.
If you just could just chill out with the vague hate speech and unprofessionalism in general, you would be so much closer to winning this joke of an election. The last thing we need is a large group of women who would have voted for you (sad as that is) not checking that box next to your name because they no longer feel like you have any respect for their bodies. So try apologizing publicly to all women, throw a grand ballroom event in your usual braggadocious manner in honor of women everywhere or something, it doesn’t matter what, if it has your name on it people will pay attention. Maybe hold a fundraiser for women’s shelters too. Really trick them into thinking you care. I wouldn’t normally promote these activities, but we have to win this!
I know you will figure something out though. I picked you to bring about the end times for a reason, so don’t let me down. When you do make it into the white house, ask Dick Cheney if you need anything, he’s been my main man for a while. Remember that you’re the worst possible option, you know it, I know it, everybody knows it. Let’s watch it all explode in their face 2016.
Your Dark Lord,
By ALEX AMENTA / Staff Writer