How to be a Starving Artist

Step 1: Starve

Resist the temptation

Resist the temptation

That’s right. That’s step one. You may be under the impression that in order to be a starving artist, you would need to be an artist first. Such is not the case. Look, it’s right there. Starving is the first word in the term “starving artist.” If this is going to work, I need you to pay attention. This isn’t hard to follow. Especially on a college budget.

 
 

Step 2: Keep going

Ignore such ridiculous things

Ignore such ridiculous things

That’s right. Keep it up. Eventually you’ll reach a point where you are hungry and angry. Hangry, as some would say. But let’s take it a step further and put in some rage. Hungrage, if you will. No, that sounds stupid.

 
 

Step 3: Pick your art

Look at it! Look how blank it is!

Look at it! Look how blank it is!

THIS is where you get to start being an artist. If you don’t already have a project or genre pre-selected, then now is about the time to come up with one. Before you lose your mind.

 
 

Step 4: Bottle up your rage

You may find that alchohol is an acceptable substitute for nourishment at this point.

You may find that alchohol is an acceptable substitute for nourishment at this point.

If you’re like me, you should now be at the point where you are a wellspring of hate, and are willing to rage against all things good and holy. This is good. Bottle this. You’re going to need it.

 
 

Step 5: Unleash

Rage like Nick Cage

Rage like Nick Cage

You’re ready. Whatever medium you’ve chosen, go nuts.

 
 

Step ???

You may look like this guy. Or maybe not. Yeah, probably better if not,

You may look like this guy. Or maybe not. Yeah, probably better if not.

Honestly, no idea what goes on here. Some creation. A lot of rage. Possible events that may happen within this stage include (but are not limited to):

 
 

  1. Verbally abusing anyone who dare disturb you

  2. Breaking things

  3. Losing all sense of time, space, and reality

I’ll see you at the next step. Hopefully.

 
 

Step 18 ½ (Because do numbers even matter at this point?): Stop.

Isn't this amazing? I had no idea this image existed. Wow.

Isn’t this amazing? I had no idea this image existed. Wow. My life is slightly more complete.

Is it really necessary for this to be in here? You’ll have to stop eventually I guess.

 
 

Step 19: Eat something

Yeah, eat so it won't be your... Last Supper... Yeah that was awful.

Yeah, eat so it won’t be your ‘Last Supper’… Yeah that was awful.

For God’s sake do it. Or, really, for your sake. Go on. You’re done now. Eat some dry ramen or a week old pizza or something. Drink some water too. For better or worse, you’ll start to regain a sense of self. At the very least, you’ll survive. Which is nice.

 
 

Step 20: Evaluate

This may or may not be a sort of representation of the work you've just done. Except that this is by Jackson Pollock, and he's really famous.

This may or may not be a sort of representation of the work you’ve just done. Except that this is by Jackson Pollock, and he’s really famous.

Nope. Nope. Nope.

 

You’ve easily wrecked your body for the next three days. You’ve lost at least one friend. You’ve probably missed a class or an assignment or an emergency call from your mother asking if you’re still alive or something.

 

Oh look, you made something. Wow. It’s awful. Lock it away in the dungeon or better, burn it.

 
 

Step 21: Be an artist.

You poor thing.

You poor thing.

Yup. You did it. Wooo…

 
 

Step 22: Repeat

It's the circle of life. Or shampoo. Or neither really.

It’s the circle of life. Or shampoo. Or neither really…

Actually don’t. Or do. I don’t know. That’s up to you. You’re an artist, you don’t need me telling you what to do.

 

“Break the cycle Morty. Rise above. Focus on science.”

 

ROBERT COCANOUGHER / Editor in Chief

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