Patriots Found To Have Cheated, What’s New?

It was recently determined that the New England Patriots used under-inflated footballs during their win over the Indianapolis Colts in the AFC Championship, spurring a great deal of accusations. The NFL has yet to issue out its punishment to the Pats, but rest assured, whatever arbitrary monetary fine they’re handed down will be adequate.


When asked about the footballs, head referee Walt Anderson was quoted saying, “Yeah, they felt a little bit different, but I didn’t think it was too big a deal. Honestly, I’d had a really good pump at the gym earlier that day, so I figured I was probably just gripping the ball a little harder than usual. I mean, I’m no Ed Hochuli, but I still work out, you know?”



A decently inflated football.

The Patriots are claiming they don’t know how all 12 of their footballs were 2 psi under the official league requirement, though head coach Bill Belichick did mumble something to reporters about a rogue ballboy that they’d been dealing with all season. As per usual after a win, Belichick looked sad and slightly dead while addressing the media. “I don’t know why everyone is questioning our balls all the sudden,” he frowned. “Our balls are big enough.”


With the Patriots’ history of cheating scandals, it’s difficult to argue with that statement.


Roger Goodell is MIA in yet another trying moment for the NFL. One source reported that he was still trying to figure out how he screwed up so bad with the Ray Rice scandal. Another said that he was busy reviewing tapes of Marshawn Lynch’s postgame interviews dating back four years, so that the league could dole out the proper fines for the running back’s use of the right to remain silent.


Regardless, New England will make its sixth Super Bowl appearance come February 1, begging the question, does it even fucking matter that they cheated? Suddenly, the genius behind the Patriots winning ways doesn’t seem quite so difficult to understand.


Tom Brady

Tom Brady is not amused

Surely, though, the league will make sure there are no illegal balls on the field during the Super Bowl. For safe measure, the Colts’ Andrew Luck, being the good sport that he is, has volunteered to personally check each ball and wish everyone on the team that just crushed him good luck.

In the week leading up to the championship, the Patriots will have to focus themselves and avoid getting caught up in facing the consequences for their actions. It seems Tom Brady has struggled to do so early on, as reporters pestered him about the “deflategate” scandal. An emotional Brady choked back tears before yelling, “Deflate this!” while grabbing his crotch.


This year’s Super Bowl will be a testament to the Pats’ ability to overcome adversity. A win will surely show the extent of their mental toughness, and the sheer will power it takes to ignore one’s conscience.

by MATT SIMONS / Sports Editor

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