Dear General Rossum: Week V

“Dear General Rossum,

Every year on Halloween, on my way home from Trick-or-Treating, Billy Prescott beats me up and takes my candy. I take other roads home, but he finds me. I told my mom and she told his mom, but his mom told my mom no he didn’t. How do I get to keep my candy?

Please help,

Robbed in Rochester”

Dear Robbed,

You’re dealing with what we call an inevitable situation. When you have one of those, you don’t try to avoid it, you plan on it.

This year wear a baggy costume. Ghost with a bed sheet, clown with poofy pants, anything. Tuck your actual candy in your costume on your way home and pull out a decoy set of candy. This will consist of mostly chocolate wrappers you’ll have put around medical-grade laxatives before hand. Put up just enough of a fight when he goes to take it, then limp on home and know you’ll have a better night than he will, and you’ll probably have your candy to yourself next year. If Prescott still has the audacity to steal your candy again next year, upgrade the laxatives wrapped in chocolate wrappers to dog turds.



“Dear General Rossum,

For the past two years the president of my sorority has somehow found out what costume I’m doing for the annual Greek Life Halloween Ball. I can’t call her out on copying me; she’s the president. Still, it’s really starting to get to me. What can I do?


Copied in Clearwater”

Dear Copied,

There are two ways to solve this problem. The first is to find her informant and cut off her communications, one way or another. Bribery is always a good start.

The second is to beat her at her own game. This year, go as she.  If she copies you, then she’s just going as herself, which she can’t do, because then she’s going as nothing. If she tries to turn it around on you, people will believe you dressed as the sorority president, but who would think the president would dress as you (no offense).

Or just test her dedication and go as Vincent van Gough and make it seem like you’re actually going to cut off your ear for it.

35mm_10292_055e-11“Dear General Rossum” is a fictional weekly advice column written by Peter Williams.

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