Latest QB Accused of Sexual Assault NOT Jameis Winston

Multiple reports surfaced Monday announcing the suspension of University of Florida quarterback Treon Harris, resulting in a collective “oh fuck” from Gator fans. The true freshman is being investigated for a sexual assault allegation, much to the quiet amusement of Florida State fans everywhere. Most everyone is thinking what Seminole fans aren’t afraid to say out loud – Harris’s suspension pretty much means the end of Florida’s 2014 season.

Over the weekend, Harris led his team to a fourth quarter comeback victory over SEC rival Tennessee, giving Gator fans a genuine glimmer of hope for their program. Harris, being literally the only part of the entire football program to offer such hope, is now suspended indefinitely.

Notice that this is not a picture of Jameis Winston

Notice that this is not a picture of Jameis Winston

Coming one season after FSU star quarterback Jameis Winston endured a rape allegation, hundreds of Florida fans are now choking on their words from months ago. Realizing that their accusatory jabs at Winston and FSU can now be used against them, they’re all scrambling to defend their possibly soon to be one-week wonder quarterback.

Florida faithful Paul Prescott offered a passionately defensive rant about how “nana-nana boo-boo,” UF is still the academically superior school, even though it has nothing to do with the current matter. His rant soon turned into tears as he ended by saying, “This is fine. We don’t need Treon. We still have all our confidence in…in Jeff Driskell…” He ran away shouting, “Go Gators!” amid sobs before he could be asked further questions.

Precott’s friend and fellow Gator fan Jason Klein looked sick, and downright paranoid. “Man, there’s no way Treon’s guilty, right? Right? It’s just an accusation; there’s no concrete evidence. It’s not one of those cases where you just know the guy is guilty, like Jameis’s case. We’re good,” he said, visibly sweating. Klein paused for a few seconds before his eyes lit up with fear. “Oh my god! What if Treon is the UF serial attacker!”

Florida State has had its own reactionary phase. FSU Athletic Director Stan Wilcox nearly fainted on his desk upon receiving news of the situation. He said that any headlines involving the words “Florida” “QB” and “Sexual Assault” give him heart palpitations as of late. “I saw the headlines and I…” he said between dry heaves, “I thought it was Jameis.”

After catching his breath for a few seconds, he further commented, “Actually, I’d feel a lot better if someone could go confirm with Jameis that he had no prior knowledge of Mr. Harris’s allegation. For the love of God, please tell me he’s not part of this.”

Treon Harris has not been charged with anything as of yet, and as Florida fans neglected to consider about Jameis Winston, he remains innocent until proven otherwise. Regardless, Florida’s season appears to be officially over, which is really all that matters, anyways.

by MATT SIMONS / sports editor

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