Dear General Rossum: Week III

“Dear General Rossum,

I’m a regular at the local Renaissance Fairs, and I always compete in the costume contests. I spend at least a month on each outfit, but every time I’m beaten by Gary Turnblat, who shows up in the same Professor What outfit every time, saying he’s a time traveler who’s visiting Medieval times. I think it’s totally a cheap ploy, but two of the local judges are in love with the show, so he always gets away with it. Any tips on how to deal with my competition?


Defeated in Denver”

Dear Defeated,

I had no friggin’ idea what you were talking about, but after talking to my daughters I found out this Professor What is some kind of alien with a box and some sort of magic wand/ wrench. Then there was a bunch of drivel I filed under extraneous intel.

There are two important things I learned. First, this guy is British. As a red-blooded American, you are genetically destined to kick him right in the teeth, then fight his battles for him later on. Take comfort in your genetic destiny, Defeated.

Secondly, there used to be a glorious tradition where two people could agree to Trial by Combat, with the belief that God would be on the side of whoever was right and allow him to kill is opponent. At the next competition, challenge Professor What to Trial by Combat. To prepare, I’d advise making a costume that involves either a big blade or one of those balls with spikes that has sadly fallen out of fashion. He can’t beat you in a contest if you beat his brains out. Also, my daughter said something about his special wrench not working on wood, so I’d also include a club.

Just because you’re pretending to be a knight doesn’t mean the fight has to be pretend. Anything worth doing is worth doing right, so really dig into the bloodlust of the Medieval times and show your opponent just who is the best nerd.



“Dear General Rossum,

As we are both red-blooded, football-watching American men, I wanted to ask you where America’s nuclear weapons are located. I have friends visiting from Beijing, and wanted to show them why America is the number one big dog on campus. If you could give me the exact latitude and longitude of each location, that would sure be swell! Thanks, Buddy!



Dear Curious,

Our missiles are located in buildings with very thick walls. That’s all you get, Commie.


35mm_10292_055e-11“Dear General Rossum” is a fictional weekly advice column written by Peter Williams.

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